Just Plain BUSY.

I really shouldn't be upset about being busy - sitting around not doing much more than sleep and watch tv is only entertaining for a little while before I twiddle my thumbs and make myself read. (Which in some cases is also boring).

I have a lot to think about and complete this week. Surgery on Friday for the dreaded bunion. Four days of crazy busy grading papers/lesson planning/meetings/class before spring break. And, to top it off, I need to write my unit plan for the scholar program I'm in...fill out/complete an essay question for a summer writing project (which would mean 4 days a week, commuting to Daytona, and 2 of those 4 coming back to teach a night class).

YES. I have officially been assigned a course, starting June 6! It's for 12 weeks, which is a small answer to my unpaid summer blues. With all of the other stuff I've had to do (and is due before this class starts), all I've wanted to do is get started on doing what professors do before a class, yet I really have NO idea what that entails!

I haven't celebrated St. Patrick's day in a long time - in fact, the last real party I went to was when I was still living in Michigan and was able to hang out with some girlfriends that I'll see in less than a month! I enjoyed the evening at a local brewery playing flip cup. So what - we lost in the first round - it was entertaining and I loved watching the other team strategies/drinking games on the side, and just plain entertainment!

Looks like this week will be crazy busy, but it's just the crazy before the even crazier! Here's to finishing out the marking period, getting to all of the meetings/appointments, having a successful bunionectomy, and NOT falling off the crutches when taking dogface out to do his business.

All the Good Things: So excited for my parents and their moving to their new house and entering retirement. It's refreshing knowing they've sold their house and can move on without the stress of leaving a house behind. I'm also thankful for my health, health insurance, friends, new adventures (hello, Caribbean cruise!), and making the most out of the days I have.

Evaluation

I just spent a short time reviewing my past few posts. I do realize the lack of Paris/London pictures and details of my experiences there... aside from that, I'm quite disappointed with myself in not completing much of my big, scary list of 2011. I also don't like that I haven't begun my novel (or novel ideas, no pun intended). I've barely had time to read, let alone a classic that will no doubt take longer than a kid-lit book.

Where does the time go?

You know, "they" say that teachers have all the time in the world to do what they want because their job ends at 3pm. I'd like all of those "they" people to do my job for a day and see where their time goes. Not to mention, what time they begin/end work.

I realize it's the choice I make - just "speaking" out loud...

Makes it worth the hard work when my boss says "I ran out of places/items to check on your evaluation in everything you do for this school and in your own time to better yourself for the sake of the students, along with their care." It made me feel great that she thought that, but also that she told me! I don't do the extra stuff to earn a pat on the back - I do the extra stuff because I love what I do...it's what teachers do.

Cookies

Cookie season is upon my house - and I'm the only one in it that can eat them. So much for the diet (at least until the cookies are gone).

Lots to update on... this past week I've been involved in getting a lot of stuff completed. I'm nearing the 3/4 mark on the First Coast Scholars program. If I want to be eligible for the Princeton trip (all-expense paid), I have to get my narrative done, along with a unit plan that has to do with multicultural literature. Sounds easier said than done, considering I want to use banned books and bring to light the hugely overrated deal with censorship.

I've also applied for an academy for teachers and professionals in education (who hold a master's degree) who want to become a principal. I feel like a student this week, completing essay question answers in order to persuade people to pick me! I have tons to offer! Blah blah blah. Yes, I do want to do what I've applied for; I just wish it didn't involve a lenghty written response - invite me in! I'll win you over!

Paperwork for teaching college has been sent in. Phew! I had to track down a notary (harder than I thought). I didn't think I'd have to spend 10 bucks to have a guy stamp a piece of paper and sign it. Oy. But, it does mean that if the college needs an additional adjunct professor for the writing class, I'm one step closer to earning some extra cash and fine-tuning my resume.

Mexico: to go on a cruise, or not go on a cruise...That is the question. Because of my financial woes of late, I've been put in a pinch. I will receive my tax return in the next two weeks and would like to go on a cruise with my friends in October. It's a cheap cruise for a week with a cheaper airfare than the friends are paying...but should I be frugal and save the money with the state of our economy and proposed job/education cuts? Save it because I'm having another surgery (I know, HUGE groan) this summer? I think I just answered my own question, unfortunately... maybe the cruise can wait til next year.

Bunions. They are the devil. In fact, the bunion isn't the problem. I have an overly long big toe that's pressing into the second toe, causing the bunion. Because of the constant pushing, I no longer have any cartilage between the top two bones on the big toe, thus the need to have a bone fragment removed, the bone fused together, and the toe is magically fixed/shortened. Luckily, it's an outpatient surgery and I get to be a lazy bum on the couch for 10 days. Downer:  Charley-dog still has to go outside and have a walk around the block. I'd really like to schedule the surgery for the Friday of spring break so I can get it over with, but I'm not so sure I want those bills to trickle in yet.

Boys. No boys. Met one not too long ago, gave him my number, saw him last week and he said "I have a funny story for you... I put your number in my phone, got a new phone, and now I don't have your number. Can I have it again?" 
OK. I know people can get busy, they can lose numbers, etc., but whenever I've purchased a new phone, I made certain I had the numbers written down and/or transferred by the phone company so nothing silly would happen. I guess guys don't all think that way.
I did give him my number again and we've texted... He did ask if I could meet up this past Saturday, but I had previous plans... no fingers crossed on this one. Just living within the moment.

Freelance writing - LOVE the group. I've tried twice now to attend their weekly critiques; however, something has come up both times with work. I enjoy going to discuss with the members, learn from them, and to have a reason to write!

So much more to do tonight... until next time:

All the Good Things: Talking my bank into giving me a one-time/lifetime credit to my account to not overdraft (even though the money is there...just takes FOREVER to post) - Enjoying a fab. sandwich and beer for dinner - laughing with a student over a funny question she asked (think about the show Kids Say the Darndest Things) - Looking forward to seeing a close group of girls from college in about a month for our annual WEekend away from the world. - Accomplishing so much over the past two days and hopefully those lead into bigger and better things for the future of my job and financial future.

Time Flies

It's amazing how much time flies by, when you think it's really going in slow motion.

I have a lot to catch up on, including my amazing trip to Paris over the new year holiday.

I've been reflecting a lot on what I want out of life and in my life. It's a never-ending battle I've allowed myself to fight. I know I need to quit over-thinking, over-analyzing, and just live my life. I think I started to do this yesterday.

I finally went to a freelance writer's meeting. I remember contacting the chair of the group before September, and I finally made it to one meeting in February, with plans to have a piece to critique on Thursday. I was full of fear going into the meeting and almost left before the chair (someone I used to work with) showed up. I sucked it up and went - meeting another new member, Amber, among some great people. It's an eclectic group, ranging in many ages. Betty is a faith-based writer, Red is a musician and writer, Mr. Smith writes a blog, Chaz is very articulate, Nancy is published, and then there was me. Luckily, I stuck my nose into everything, learning my way around the dynamic of the group. I opened myself up to criticism, I fought the fear of rejection in my writing, and will hopefully make some new friends. I was amazed to learn that if everyone showed up, there'd be 25 people.

I left there and bought myself a couple Moleskine journals and a storyboard book at a local bookstore that's in liquidation. I have the itch to write - and now have a chair on my new front porch, itching for me to sit and write in it.

All The Good Things: My parents house has sold (after 2.5 years on the market); I've moved into a cheaper and larger apartment in an exciting, older, neighborhood; I experienced Paris and London by myself; have a fun weekend planned for April with some great college friends; and have the craving to satisfy my hunger for writing. One day at a time.

one week from today

And she'll be in Paris!

It's hard to believe that it's only a week away. Seems like forever ago that the trip was decided, paid for, and items purchased for the week away.

Many people have told me to be careful, take extra precaution, don't flash money, etc. I know not to do this. I know to stick with my group, to only ask people that work somewhere reputable, and to learn the language as best I can so they don't see a dumb American. ;-)

In all honesty, I can't believe I'm going there alone, but I also can't believe I'm going at all. It's surreal right now, simply because it's something I've wanted to do for so long, but didn't want to wait forever to complete.

I'm more worried about dogface and how he'll react to my being gone for a week... not fun for a dog used to one house, put in another one with more people. I can't dwell on that because I know Charley will adapt (plus it's only a week), and it saves me some money for the vet shots he needs to be boarded, and the nightly fee they charge (varies from 18-32 a night in the places I've called).

Reminds me... Have to call and cancel the other two places.

You Can Be Happy...

No Matter What.

At least that's what the doc said who wrote the book!

I've been reading this book on and off for a couple weeks. Because it isn't fiction or gripping material, I haven't just read through it like I do with other books.

In the foreward of the book, I highlighted three pieces that were important:
"Happiness is not the end of the road; it's the beginning. Contentment enhances our spiritual life."
"...life is not your enemy, but your thinking can be."
"We have a choice. We can learn to flow with life, with loving and patient acceptance, or we can struggle against it."

Richard Carlson, PhD, wrote those - and he's written many more in this book that have made me realize that I can't change or be upset about anything that isn't currently happening to me at a specific moment. For example, I may see a commercial on tv that gets me thinking about the economy and the effects of people losing their job, which in turn makes me think about my dad, who literally just lost his job. I can make the choice to get upset at the economy, my dad's boss, the car companies who took their advertising out of my dad's company, etc. But can I really change any of that from happening? Can I make any of it better? No. I have to learn to think about what it is I can change, what it is I can do, and learn to be happy because all I'm doing when I get upset is think about things that I have no control over.

It's tough.

Did I want to scream at the world and do the "Why Me's? for my dad? Sure. Did I want to ask him a lot of questions to make sure he would be ok with my mom and no income? Sure. But can I change any of that? Am I in a position to help them financially, if needed? No. But if they asked, I sure would try; however, I know they wouldn't ask.

"...negative thoughts - thoughts that cause distress and unhappiness - aren't worth dwelling on because they take away what we are looking for, a feeling of happiness." (p. 21-22)

My All Good Things for today: waking up in a warm place, excited for the day ahead.

Big, Fun, Scary Lists for 2011

I was reading the NaNoWriMo newsletter earlier and read about their lists of Big, Fun, Scary things to do in 2011. (I guess they do this every year, but I'm just learning).


So here's my Big, Fun, Scary list of things to do in 2011:

• Read 10 books each month, with at least 1 of them being a classic. (need to find a good list of classics to pull from)
• Save 200 dollars each paycheck to put toward paying off bills and then toward a trip
• Book another vacation to Europe, but in the summer (ask my mom if she wants to come too)
• Plan and write a novel (whether it's through NaNoWriMo or not)

(Will add/delete as necessary until 2011 is here!)

Long Time No Write

...or energy.

I've been in another funk, but I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaacck! 

I've received another pretty swift kick in the rear to get things going. Some small discouraging events have taken place recently, and I can't dwell on them.  But I must document so I can remember why I was discouraged and why I shouldn't sit and ponder and think so much!

• Learned that college class I may teach in January could be pushed to February, only if enrollment is there. No enrollement or not enough students = no class to teach = no extra money to pay bills.
• Rent won't be lowered, so moving is the only option. Downer that the amount to move/pay movers is high+security deposits+pet deposits+time off work to move = a stressed out girl who doesn't want to ask parents for money or take money against her credit card and pay high interest (or completely wipe out her meager savings that she used last summer to get through without being paid)
• Paying for stuff in Europe. Not all meals are covered. It's winter in Paris and I don't have a good winter coat. (I know, a Michigan girl in FL without a coat). Well, I usually leave that coat in Michigan for when I go home. I've already told my parents to keep the coat and donate it or use it because I don't want them mailing it to me. (An ex gave it to me and I need to rid myself of that coat after 9 years). I can't say I didn't get my use out of it!
• Work. I love my job, but the daily stress of relying on others and them falling through is NOT ok. I know I can't control it, which is why it's in this list of stuff, but it's discouraging.
• NaNoWriMo: I didn't finish the novel I set out to write. I wasn't even close. You needed 50,000 words to finish and be a "winner" to the NaNo people. I think I ended around 2,000. My cousin didn't finish either, but she was closer with 30K. We talked and said we'd cheer each other on in December, but my time has been stolen by my inability to say NO to people. Hence why I'm tutoring 2 times a week after school, am in charge of a group of people, on various committees, leading a meeting in January, teaching college (hopefully), teaching teens/grading/grading/grading... I want to finish that book! (I learned what "pantsing" is in the writing world. I'm totally guilty and need to plan, not pants). *sigh

I'm reading a book called You Can Be Happy No Matter What and I've learned quite a bit from it that I'll share later this week. The main thing I've learned is that a lot of our unhappy thoughts and things that get us all hot and bothered, yelling, upset, etc., are really our own thoughts that we allow to fester and build, not living in the moment and figuring out if we have control over it or not. (So my yelling and flashing my brights at a stupid woman on the highway probably wasn't living in the moment of what I could control when she cut me off, but it's a work in progress, right?)

I'm going to really try to work on that in the coming weeks leading up to a new year, a birthday, and coming to terms with things I cannot change.

Until then, today's good thing (really happened yesterday): I was given recognition by a colleague for the extra duties I complete. Not only was it nice receiving recognition, it was even nicer that it was by a person I rarely see or speak to because of what we teach and where our classrooms are. It kept a smile on my face all day (and the cookies I received were also nice, although my hips would disagree).

Reflective

I feel very reflective tonight, and I'm not sure why - I just know that ending the month of November brings us to December, and yet another year has passed.

Maybe that's why - I'll be another year older in January. Another year closer to 30. Gack.

I've been questioning a lot lately in regard to my happiness. I really don't have much wrong in my life (aside from the fact that I suck at money managing, but I work on it and I am slowly getting better). I have a wonderful set of supportive WE friends - I have a great family, with a mom who sends care boxes each month and grandparents who send written notes (LOVE that they don't use email) - and I have a job I adore on most days.

I just feel like something is missing.

I've been doing what people say in regard to "waiting for Mr. Right" and not actively looking for someone. It's not easy to just sit back and hope someone will find me - in fact, it's just plain odd. I don't and won't go out alone - the friends I do go out with are not straight or are married - and I'm not going to pay for a dating site because of my lack of money managing. I get talked to at the avacado's in the supermarket about how to pick the right avocado - I got whistled at in the parking lot going to my car yesterday - and a group of cute guys say hello this morning at my favorite coffee shop. What did I do? Ignored them completely because I thought they were psychotic wierdos... although I did talk to the avocado guy for a minute because I was in a very public and busy place and didn't want to seem super duper rude.

Where and when am I supposed to figure things out? I start tutoring this week for a couple hours after school, and I got the job teaching entry level classes at a local college. I have a dog who sits at my feet or snores while he's sleeping in the crook of my arm and follows me everywhere. I have an upcoming trip to Paris and London to look forward to. I have a year ending and a new beginning, but it seems that just last year I was saying a lot of this same crap to myself. I'm not asking for a rush of life events - I'm asking for an answer to when I'll finally feel satisfied in knowing my life is full and not missing something...

Until then - back to writing my novel for NaNoWriMo, in hopes I'll be to 5,000 words by month's end (although nowhere near their 50,000 goal).

failure

Epic fail.

It's the halfway mark of November, and I should be nearing 24,000 words. I have 1381. Blah.

I can't seem to get going on this writing - and I hate having a deadline. I really thought I could discipline myself into writing each day - shoot, I gave up the 30 days of me after a few.

What's wrong with me?

On a lighter note, I have 40-ish days left until I go to Paris. Cannot wait. I may even start a Paris-countdown in my classroom...

Still throwing out story ideas... any help welcome if you're willing to comment or send me an email.

Feeling Down...

In the words of Dori from Finding Nemo, I should just "keep on swimmin'" but it's so unbelievably hard to do right now. I am sinking fast and feel like all the planning and all of the things I was doing early to prepare for the NaNoWriMo would allow me the time to write. Yeah, right. It seemed to only make things worse.

The 124 changed to three hundred and something, but in this day of all of the wonders of technology, it neglected to save... even though I know I clicked the save button. Twice.

I'm very discouraged. I shouldn't be because I have so much to look forward to. Only, all I see is negative. I don't have much support in the people who supposedly show leadership at my job. I have to contact a rather large group of parents of students who need to recover work (because in the lovely state of FL, being lazy is ok because you can always redo the work until you pass, no matter how many times you do it or choose not do it).  I'm also very tired of the lying and passive aggressiveness of employees. Since when did we lose our professionalism and resort to the crap our students give us? I'm so over that and just might go off the handle on someone if it happens again.

I need to put on a happy face or get the heck outta dodge. Maybe Dorothy and I can fly over the rainbow together...

124

OH boy, this novel in a month thing is going to go REAL slow if all I have at the end of today is 124 words!

I need help!

I've got a few ideas in my head, so tell me what you think - anonymous comments welcome, but won't be posted unless they are constructive criticism.

• Voice - Somehow two or three characters will be woven together through the common theme of "voice." Could be a voice in the head, voice of other characters speaking to one, etc.
• Friends - A tale of two friends...Not sure where to go with that.
• YA - thought about a young adult book/fantasy. Nothing with medieval or dragons...

I'm not so sure about any of these. I went to the bookstore earlier and spent over an hour browsing the writing section for help. I don't know if there's real help out there for someone with NO clue about writing a book! Unless I'm being too hard on myself, which is entirely possible (and most likely probable).

Good Thing for Today: Got a lot done for work while students were testing. LOVE days where there's a lot of productivity before 3pm!

Couldn't wait to get going...

So much to update and I'm not even sure where to begin...

Weight loss has been hit and miss. I've managed to go from 157 to 149. Not where I wanted to be by now, but it's not something I've been deeply interested in at the moment. Going to the gym is the last thing I want to do after work, especially with all of the crapola going on there! 

I've got about 57 days to Paris! I can't believe it's so close yet still so far away. I've got the travel books out and plan on reading up on places to visit very very soon.

Lots of visits and such this week at work. Site visit from the "suits" this week, on top of various meetings, lesson planning, and suppressing the urge to strangle a specific person for being the most selfish and inconsiderate person known to humanity.

On the college front - you may be "looking" at the newest adjunct professor for the local college! I interview on the 9th of November and we'll talk logistics about teaching an entry level English class in January. I am keeping my fingers crossed it all works out. In the meantime, I may start tutoring after school for some Paris money... should be interesting.

No boys - no men - no time. I've decided to spend so much time on myself, I'm semi-sick of myself. HA. I would rather spend my time at home reading, curled up with Charley-dog, than anywhere else. I signed up to write a novel during the month of November, so I plan on spending a lot of time writing the novel (50,000 words!) and making trips to stock up on coffee/treats as rewards for doing the work. One problem - I have no clue what to write about yet, and it starts tomorrow!

I'm so satisfied with how things are working out in my life right now. I've still got some small financial issues, but those are being worked on and I try not to stress about something I can't entirely control.

Today's Good Thing: Spending time reflecting on what I want, acting on it, and enjoying a home-cooked meal that was delicious!

Time in the Mitten

I absolutely loved every minute I spent in Michigan this past weekend. It was so surreal being home, especially after 2 years away, but I really enjoyed the people and time away from work.

I was also able to spend a lot of time contemplating a lot of things in my life. I know I think too much, but taking a step back this weekend has really rejuvenated my soul and has made my outlook on life a tad bit more positive. In fact, coming back today I received a comment from a co-worker who said I looked like I brought back the happiness and love of my family to FL and my spirit was awakened.

Visiting home after being gone for so long was tough. Tough, only because in my mind I think of home as one thing (past) and then see it in the present, which skews my perception of what my home should be. My parents are in the process of selling their house, so I know some of the staging is for selling, but going into what used to be my little brother's room to an empty slate was disappointing. I think they kept my room similar because I was visiting - come April, who knows if anything will be there...

I met my best friend's boyfriend/non-boyfriend. Such a sweet guy. I told her to tell him that I think he's "wholesome" because he loves his family (and spends time with them), has a good job, owns a house, makes time for his good buddies, and treats people with respect. There's been some speculation about him from another friend, but I didn't see anything that this friend has told my BFF.  Sure, we all have a past, but why let that run our present and future?

I had a run in with the credit union. My mom and I were out doing some errand-running and I really needed a little cash. I called my FL credit union to find a MI credit union that wouldn't deduct fees for withdrawing money. Found one nearby, but their ATM machine ATE my debit card! It was frustrating mess of calling my bank, getting the answer of "no" from them in my request for a fax to the MI bank to have them give me my card back. Turns out in the letter my bank sent me, the card was going to be deactivated ont he 8th because of some compromising situation with my account from a breach in security at a local restaurant. Well, I received the new debit card, but hadn't received the new PIN, so while I was waiting, I was using the old card. Woops. Lesson learned.

Went to Kroger (LOVE this place) and tried purchasing some adult beverages. Who would have thought that the cashier was going to take my driver's license away. She just took it to the service desk to make sure it was valid because they are only trained to look at Michigan licenses. To some extent I understand this, but I feel like people should be familiar with them because people are known to travel.

Spent some time with my grandparents. They are the sweetest. I brought them some banana bread my  mom made, and when I got there, we ate some bread and had some Michigan apple cider. That is one thing I truly miss about Michigan in the fall. The cider, donuts, and trip to the cider mill for a hay ride and pumpkins. {see clock picture - I want one. Where to find one for purchase?}

I also spent the day shopping with my best friend - and hung out one of the night's with her mom. I'm such a lucky person to have such a great friend, but to have a second mom - words can't express.  

All in all, what a fabulous weekend. If only I didn't have to work - I'd move back to Michigan in a heartbeat.

Busy Busy Bee

I have barely been able to catch my breath long enough to pick up a book to read let alone catch up and post on this blog. It sometimes causes stress to my life (in small amounts) that I'm not always able to make time to reflect, think about the day, etc. Times like this make me wonder how I could ever include someone else in my life when all I do is related to work?

I'm so excited to be going back home for the weekend. I haven't been in 2 years (almost to the exact day) and really need the time away from my job and the workaholic syndrome I seem to have. Cannot wait for the time with friends, family, and time away from a computer. And Meijer.... yes, this now Southern gal misses Meijer (so much better than WM).

In the job front - I may be called "Professor" soon. Because I was so open with parents at Open House, a parent wrote on my little information card that he hires adjunct faculty at a local college and that I should call him. Well, I emailed him to find out when a good time would be to call, and later sent through my resume and college transcripts. He said he'll look into hiring me for a humanities or communication class. So exciting!

I still haven't been to the freelance writing group - almost every Saturday I have been going in to work since I can't seem to get caught up on anything while I am actually working. Students need my attention, union people need me for their concerns, etc. WAY too many impromptu bitch fests that I can only take so much of. I understand the need and their concerns and why they come to me, but I cannot be the sole person of reason with the administrators. I certainly can't go in to see my boss and tell her what to do - very hard to remain professional and supportive of the members when I also need to maintain my job security.

Financial dilemmas - who knew that the day would come and my entire savings would be depleted. Yes, it was one of the worst days ever. I had to pay for a flat tire (cha-ching on the credit card), a tow bill, RENT, you name it. I called my parents crying over it because I haven't been in this type of a situation since my freshman year in college when I thought money grew on trees. I am so very grateful that my parents were able to loan me some money - and then the day the money order arrived, I found out that I was to receive a bonus for raising my student test scores. Their scores put me in the top 25% of the entire county, so I received a whopping bonus and didn't need my parent's money after all. Although, they were nice and told me to put it away for when I move to a new place and need to put dogface in the kennel while I'm enjoying Paris.

My parents are great (and not because of the money).

I thought it would be a good idea last week to sleep with the windows open. Well, the doctor has told me numerous times in the past when I have gone in for bronchitis-like symptoms, to keep the damn windows closed (yes, she swore at me). Well, I didn't listen because I'm trying to save some money in my air conditioning! Guess I should just crank the AC because now I'm sick and paying the price for wanting to breathe in some cooler air. Stupid pond/lake I live on.

That's all I have for now - I hope to share some pictures of the far far North with all of you upon my return. It's too bad that I have to pack 4 days worth of stuff into a backpack... What am I going to do without my CHI?

So much going on...

I am struggling, in all sorts of ways. I'm a a crossroads in my life where I am trying to figure out where to go next. Where will my job take me if I stay where I am currently teaching? Will I become an administrator? Will I be able to do what I do now in another city? State? I'm also struggling financially - I have only been in a similar situation to where I am now when I was in college for my undergraduate degree. I thought it was bad then, but it's really bad now. Let's just say the cable bill was sliced (thank goodness I still have some reality tv to numb my  brain), the Internet will soon say goodbye (don't really need it except to play games, surf facebook, and check emails, which I can do at work), I also have found a cheaper apartment that I will soon tour to see if they are really for me (same sq. ft. as I have now, but 200 less per month).

Now for the fun stuff [insert sarcasm]: I have lost about 5 pounds in a little over a month. Sure, losing it slow is supposedly the way to go, but it isn't coming off fast enough for me! The up-side to this... a co-worker came up to me today to tell me that she has noticed that I'm losing weight. The dark side of my brain wants to think "is she saying this because she is noticing or because she knows I'm going nowhere fast and wants to make me feel better?"

Work just plain sucks. I have people coming at me from all angles to discuss things that I'm supposed to know the answers to, but don't. Who would always want to hear "I don't know, I'll look it up and get back to you" or "Here's how I would handle it, but you may want to hold off on answering until you get all of the information."

Gag.

Maybe I'm just a big pity pot of crap right now - to which I think we all go through. But can I ask why in the world it all seems to be happening at once?

And the one place I thought I could go this week to renew my spirit and trust in something higher than me - asked the entire church to empty their pockets in donation this week, and all I had was a quarter.

Communicate!

How hard is it really for people to communicate with one another?

I find myself asking this quite often, as we (myself and co-workers) get our panties in a wad because of issues that could be resolved if people would just express in a direct and respectful manner what's bothering them and see if offering up a solution would end the problem.

Not where I work.

Yes, I love my job. (I'm not lying). It does come with added stress, being a teacher, but I do genuinely love it. I really have a sick taste in my mouth for those who continue to come to work when all they do is complain. It drags others down with you and makes the day even longer than it should be. I will confess, I do complain and do express my complaints, but I do try (key word, try) to find the positive in the situation.

The same goes for communication in my personal life. I thought I was being honest in saying that I wanted to take a step back from the 10-day relationship I previously ended. I get a text today from said guy that says "R we speaking today?"

I didn't realize that when you break up with someone that you continue speaking to them; however, I have done this with guys who I was/am on good terms. Well, I responded with "Why are you being like that?" and he replied "Like what... i was just wondering how u felt about me today...lol"

Didn't I tell you this about 2 weeks ago? Do guys just not listen to anything you tell them? Or clean up after themselves? (found a beer bottle cap behind my post-its 2 weeks later, when there's a garbage can underneath my desk). Second confession, I did call him last Friday to see how he was doing... I need to stop doing that.

Maybe the man-cleaning thing is enough for a separate post...

My All Good Things moment for today: Taking Charley to get his toenails clipped and treating him to some goodies for being such a good travel buddy in the car. It's so nice not having to clean up after his messes, especially while driving.

Happy Smiles and Happy Heart

Whoa, has this week been crazy hectic and stupid but with a happy ending.

I don't like discussing work-related items via my personal life journey, but it's a piece, regardless of my feelings about it. Well, after much discussion, I got NOWHERE with my superiors in fixing the mess we call a schedule. My hands are tied and my bosses aren't doing anything illegal, so there isn't any reason (according to them) to fix something they don't see is entirely broken. LAME.

I've also been dealing with a dog that wakes up and pisses alllllll over the place. This morning I woke up, got him out of his crate, filled his water dish and food bowl, put shoes on and realized he was peeing on the tile floor by the door. Sure, at least it was on the tile, but come on! I guess leaving the water bowl out at night is not a good idea anymore - who knew 3 years later it'd become a problem.

The now ex-bf and I are semi-talking, but it's more on a level of trying to understand one another. I think that's a large part/reason of why things went wrong. Granted, we technically dated for 10 whopping days... who knows. Maybe something will come out of it, maybe it won't. I am not holding my breath.

I have the best friends in the world. Friends who support me, help me in discussing things and friends who laugh with me about eating insects and stepping in cat puke. (don't ask).

To top off the whole week, I talked to my dad and he surprised me by buying me a plane ticket home. I've been wanting to go home so so bad and haven't been in 2 years. I really need some family time, hugs, and quality time with people I miss so dearly. The only semi-downer: I have to pack a weekend into a backpack.

Cheers to a great day!

Uncertainties

I feel like my life is full of uncertainties. Sure, we can't be 100% certain of what paths our lives will take, but the uncertainties are what make life interesting.

Case in point: receiving a text from new ex, stating that he feels like we made the right decision in not dating anymore, followed by another text stating he felt that the decision may have been a wrong one since we didn't give things enough time.

What did I say? Nothing. Nada. Zip. I kept my fingers from replying with a text, except to ask for my cd back.

In other areas of life, I feel like there are uncertainties with my happiness in my job. I wear a lot of hats. I do a lot of "extra" things, but it's primarily because I love what I do and I want others to take notice of those extra things. I know it won't earn me a raise or promotion, but it earns me small accolades with my superiors. One of my hats is in question, but only for me. I am the representative for a group of people who look to me to get items settled when members of the group are upset. This cuts down on the amount of people going to the boss and allows me to be a middleman of sorts. Well, I feel like I'm backed into a corner and I'm not sure how to get out of it without expressing some items to my boss that aren't appropriate. I know it isn't my place to express how people really feel, but it is my job to find a way to express it without losing my job or making the matter worse for all involved.

I'm in a pickle.

Thank goodness for long weekends and smoothies.

That Didn't Last Very Long...

I am a single lady again and I'm perfectly content with that. I had a long talk last night with some good friends before and after the chat with the now ex, and I was rushing into everything. We didn't know one another well enough to start exclusively dating 2 days after we met. I told him I felt I needed to take a step back and he said that he couldn't do that.

I'm not worried about that so much - he just has a CD and t-shirt I want back, but if that's what I have to lose out of a week long "relationship" then that's what I lose.

I'm semi-sad but glad things ended now and not 6 months down the road when we both could have had more feelings.

Back to the drawing board...