Bonjour, Paris!

So I did it!

I booked the trip to Paris, by way of London. Just so happens I'll also travel through Chicago and Montreal to get there, but that's ok! Cheaper airfare is what matters.

I cannot wait and have already started reading the tour guides I bought over a month ago for this very day, without knowing what day it would be!  Now I have to purchase a small London guidebook because I'll have a day or so there on my own before and at the end of the tour group. Excited just doesn't express how happy I am.

I told my parents about it before posting it for the world of facebook. I was more nervous about my dad because I value his opinion more than I like to admit sometimes. My mom is usually supportive anyway and thought it'd be fun for me. She was even going to talk to my dad when she got home today, but didn't have to. Well, just talking to my dad via instant messenger minutes ago, I asked him about the trip and how I'd miss Christmas at home again (missed it last year for a surgery) and his response was:

You must take these chances when they happen...or you will always miss out...You will have a blast...We are proud of you...You work hard...Enjoy life some.

And the entire time I was worried for nothing.

Day 7 of All Good Things: Having supportive friends and family, all equally happy and excited for this journey...Wishing I could squeeze all of them in a great big hug.

Subtle and Not-So Subtle

Changes, that is.


I had a few moments today of subtle change, and huge change. One, I consolidated my student loans and the paperwork will be mailed tomorrow. Huge deal, considering the fact that as a teacher, I can enroll in the IBR program and only pay for 10 years. After that, the debt is cleared. Yes, the debt is cleared. With the amount I have in loans from undergraduate and graduate loans, I'll save 66%. Huge smile on my face...just have to stay in teaching for those said ten years, but I think I can manage.


The second subtle change was my mad baking skills tonight. Instead of gorging on food during my favorite Monday reality TV, I baked some banana bread. From scratch! I used the plaid cookbook from a college boss and I cannot wait to eat some for breakfast in the morning. The most amazing part (aside from the fact that it wasn't burnt) was that I had ALL of the ingredients in my kitchen! That almost never happens! Second smile on my face.


The third, not-so-subtle change is that one of my dreams from a previous post will be coming true. I don't want to jinx it by posting it today, so I'll wait until tomorrow, after I make an important phone call during lunch. If it goes the way I expect, the announcement tomorrow will make me cry, jump up and down for excitement, and drive me to lose a little weight...more details tomorrow...so keep the fingers crossed!  


Day 6 of All Good Things: I talked to my mom again today and when I told her of the dollar amount I'd save (assuming my dollar figures are correct), she cried because she was so happy for me, knowing I won't owe my life away in education debt. I don't like hearing my mom cry, but I do find joy in knowing she's proud of me, without her having to say anything.

I Feel...

like I try too hard to maintain relationships with people, whether they are close friends, friends I see at huge events, or those who I try to say hi to so we don't lose touch. What's up with that? Am I toxic? I understand people lead busy lives - heck, 10 months out of the year I'm super-teacher-crazy-woman trying to get everything together, so I get it. But do I have to be the one to initiate every conversation? Maybe I don't always do that, but it sure feels like it.

I also feel like I let myself down more than I should, without really trying to. For instance, someone earlier at dinner said that the year 2010 has been a pretty shitty year for them so far and I made a comment that bits and pieces of the past 10 years have been shitty for me... WHAT? Why would I say that? Sure, there are moments, but why would I say that out loud unless it were true? What is it that's so bad about my life that I would make that comment?

It's a work in progress, this life...

Day 5 of All Good Things: Enjoying a dinner out with friends, laughing about stupid teacher jokes and situations... never a dull moment.

Staph Pyoderma

Poor Dogface.


I had to take Charley to the animal ER last night because the bumps on his belly were progressively getting worse. Turns out he has staph pyoderma, a secondary infection caused by something else. Could be that he's allergic to dust, pollen, fertilizer on the grass, fabric softener, etc. The list goes on. To find out the exact cause, I'd have to pay for a lot of tests...don't know if I can afford that. For now, he'll have to have antibiotics for 6-8 weeks, benadryl every day, a topical spray 3x a day, and a special bath/shampoo 3x a week just on his belly.


Talk about high maintenance on a small dog!


Day 4 of All Good Things: I am happy knowing that Charley-dog is going to be ok and that I can afford to take care of the problems he has with his skin. Charley is special and I wouldn't feel as good about life if he weren't in it.

Freelance Writing

I've pondered doing this for a while, but haven't made it downtown for the monthly freelance writer's meeting... I'm very self-critical when it comes to items I've written (except for papers written for school). When writing gets personal, I shut down when I receive criticism, whether it's constructive or not. I've thrown ideas around on writing a novel, but I think I may have to change that a little and start with short stories, or articles, etc. Something to get my foot in the door seems like the best avenue to pursue at the moment - but it sure would be awesome to walk into a well-known bookstore and see my book on the shelf!

Day 3 of All Good Things: Woke up to a nice morning text from a wonderful girlfriend, telling me to Have a bright and shiny day! :-) It was a bright and shiny day outside - I spent the day lounging and reading...

Risks

"What you risk reveals what you value."
- Jeanette Winterson, novelist

I may be repeating myself in this post a little - I've been reflecting a lot on past experiences and situations where I've had to make huge decisions. Moving to Florida was pretty outrageous, not only because I was moving 1300 miles away from home, but because it was a jumping off point into my career. At the time I moved, I valued proving how independent I could be. I was also going against what others thought of me and wanted to prove all of those people wrong. I do admit that taking that leap was a scary thought. I told myself for weeks leading up to the drive South that I should void my contract and stay in Michigan. I had the other viewpoint that if I didn't go now, I wouldn't go at all. There was a fear of the unknown in both situations. I stay in Michigan, who knew what it would hold. Would I find Mr. Right, get married, find a fabulous job and be happy? Would I stay in Michigan and live with my parents forever because I was working at a restaurant and substitute teaching? Or would I move to a LARGE city on my own and enjoy the job based solely on the 4-hour interview and tour of the school? I challenged the norm and the idea that a young girl couldn't or shouldn't move so far away and expect to be successful. I've been told numerous times that my situation is unique and outrageous - some people don't believe I was recruited and had the luck I did in obtaining my job, but it's true. Do I regret the choice I made in moving to Florida? No. But I do regret having the thought go through my mind that I was doing it to prove others that I could instead of proving to myself that I am capable of doing what's important to me.

I've pondered some risks that I'd love to put on "To Do" list, but I'm the type of person that if an item is on a list for too long, the list will be thrown out after some time and will be forgotten...

Some future risks I've considered and haven't necessarily put on the back burner:
1. adopting a child
2. freelance writing and/or editing
3. picking up and moving again
4. changing careers (not entirely...Education will still be a factor)
5. skydiving
6. touring Europe on my own

I'm sure there's more that I'll add as the times come. Until then...
Day 2 of All Good Things: I spent time listening to my mom express how happy she is about her new car. She is usually happy anyway, but today she was even happier. I could hear the smiles in her voice.

"I don't have to be...

perfect. All I have to do is show up and enjoy the messy, imperfect, and beautiful journey of my life. It's a trip more wonderful than I could have imagined."
- Kerry Washington, actress

This brought me back to a time when I was growing up I dreaded each day, but now see the value because I'm an adult. (Mom and Dad, I hope you aren't reading).

Each evening, my two brothers and I were asked to come home from school or work with one good thing from our day to share with everyone else while eating dinner. Some days I would fib and make something up, and other days I'd come home with a few items to share. This always made for an interesting evening because we were not always allowed to be done with dinner until we shared.  On rare evenings we were momentarily skipped   so we had time to think about our day and have something to share.

As I sat down earlier this evening to eat alone, I thought it'd be a good thing to write down one good thing that's happened to me each day in a moleskine journal. (Which reminds me that I haven't posted my vision board/journal...but I am working on it!) For today's post; however, I'll share this one:

Day 1 of All Good Things: I received a smile, a morning greeting, and the door held open for me after purchasing my favorite latte on my way to work. This made my entire day happy because it started the day with a warm feeling and continued until I made it home to enjoy some quality time with Charley-dog at my feet.

I Know What I Want...

...and I'm not afraid to express it.

For the latter half of the morning, I spent time texting back and forth with someone who wouldn't take the hint that I didn't want to speak to them, have contact with them, or even see them. I had a feeling in my gut that it wasn't going to be good to continue speaking and I didn't apologize to this person for it at all. My gut feeling is what I'm going to go with.

...and I'm not afraid to go for it.

This portion presents a challenge because of the job market, but that doesn't mean I'm not trying and putting myself out there. I just have to put myself in a place of thinking like the employer and why he/she would hire someone with NO experience. Challenging.

...and I'm not going to apologize for being picky. Settling is not allowed.

Brand New Day

Ok, I'm going to admit I'm a reality tv junkie on occasion, especially when the Bachelor or Bachelorette is on...so Monday nights are off limits for contact when the show is in season. :-)

Last week there was an artist, Joshua Radin, playing a song - well, I went to Borders for a book and looked for his CD without knowing the name of the song (insert wish for an iphone here) and bought the CD anyway. Bad but good...CD I did buy was good, but the song I wanted wasn't there. So, second step, I downloaded itunes for my newer computer and then tried to sync my ipod (without much luck). Had to erase the ipod and then sync. Thank goodness I bought the Joshua Radin song I wanted on the newer computer!

Anywho - this song hit a chord (literally) with me last week and I can't stop listening to it.

Some kind of magic

Happens late at night

When the moon smiles down on me

and bathes me in it's light

I fell asleep beneath you

In the tall blades of grass

When I woke the world was new

I never had to ask

It's a brand new day

The sun is shining

It's a brand new day

For the first time

In such a long time

I know

I'll be ok

Most kind of stories

Save the best part for last

Most stories have a hero who finds

You make your past your past

Yeah you make your past your past

It's a brand new day

The sun is shining

It's a brand new day

For the first time in such a long long time

I know, I'll be ok

This cycle never ends

You gotta fall in order to mend

It's a brand new day

It's a brand new day

For the first time in such a long long time
I know, I'll be ok.

Cancer

I could go on a self-soothing rant of cursing, go punch a wall, scream out loud, or cry some more, but that wouldn't make cancer go away or bring back those who have passed.

Cancer is a disease that takes life from your body by destroying your insides, but it doesn't ruin your spirit. The fabulous man who passed this morning, on father's day, was not only a good man to his family, he was a good man to all. There isn't a bad thing I could say about this man - he raised a great son who has the same family values and love his dad taught him to express and have for those important in his life. He supported a wonderful wife, not only with the material things, but with the love, compassion, and tenderness of a true love and marriage. He was a great uncle to his nieces and nephews, as well as a father figure to me during a time of unknowns.

When I found out melanoma was stealing this man from our physical world, I dug out a box of letters that were important to me. In there was a letter from this man who I knew cared for me as if I was his daughter. Although his son and I don't speak anymore, I wouldn't ever wish ill will on anyone, nor would I suppress feelings of concern, sadness, or grief for R and his family. The following letter was written to me at a time I was making decisions to become a confirmed Catholic; a time of great uncertainty for me and a turning point in my life.  This letter holds true to this day...

It's said in life that for every action there is a reaction. This only begins to state how positively you have affected our family. You have brought so much generosity, love, and understanding into our lives. I have learned not to take these things for granted and realize how rare you are. It has really been fun getting to know you. By now I'm sure it's clear to you how much R means to us and for you to be his girlfriend, and more, we feel very fortunate.

I'm very pleased and proud that you have taken this step in your religious life to build a stronger relationship with Jesus Christ. As you know you and I are not too different as we both made our confirmation late in our lives. I'm glad it didn't take you as long as it did me. Through God all things are possible. Whenever you are confused, angry, lonely, or lost, turn to God and he will guide you. It took me some time to fully realize this, but we begin to see that as coincidences become miracles we begin to build faith.

I know you are going through a period of uncertainty in  your life and career right now but just remember to do the best you can and the rest will always work out. You can't control other people, places, and things so concentrate on  yourself. When you keep God close to you he will make your road in life easier to travel.

God Bless You.
Mr. D

Dear God,
You have a great man living with you now - a man of great talent, love, support, and everlasting spirit. Please love him, care for him, and support his family at this difficult time. May peace be with you, Mr. D, and with your friends and family. Amen.

Father's Day

My dad and I used to be the daddy daughter duo when I was growing up because I was the only girl (aside from my mom). We would attend the Valentine's day dances, make silly faces at each other, ride roller coasters and scream real loud, and crack jokes whenever possible. My dad's taught me many things - even though I didn't always listen. I got so upset when I was in college that I wasn't allowed to bring a car and had to learn how to ride the city bus. I learned a lesson from that experience - the bus isn't always a bad thing to know, especially when cars would get snowed into parking lots. I also learned that buying a car isn't always easy and something you should jump into without test driving multiple types of cars first. I learned how to drive a 5-speed car so I could always get home if I was ever in the situation. I learned how to respectfully disagree and not just to get my way but to make my point, opinion, answer known. I also learned that family dinners are an important part to growing up: you just have to make sure you come to the table with "something good that happened to you today" to share with everyone else.

Above all of the normal daddy/daughter stuff I've had in my life, I'll never forget the day that my dad cried as I drove away from the house, moving my life and belongings 1300 miles away. I gave him a big hug, got in my truck, and was off on a journey to "start" my life. I really thought that I wouldn't miss family as much because I knew in the back of my mind that I could always call, visit and never really be all that far away. My dad and mom instilled a set of family values in me that makes me want to stay connected to those who mean a lot to me and who I call family. I don't talk to my dad on the phone as much as I'd like because he isn't really a talker, but I do have conversations with him on facebook and get to stay caught up on home life through emails and pictures.

I don't really know if my dad realizes just how much he means to me and how much I look up to him for all that he has accomplished in his life. He's still young, has a lot going for him, and has many dreams to fulfill. I look forward to the day I see his dreams come true because he is so very deserving...and when I can give him a huge hug, in person.

Happy Father's Day, Dad.

Another Oprah Quote...

Yes, another quote from Oprah:

"Married or single, if you're looking for a sense of completion, I encourage you to look inward...The irony of relationships is that you're usually not ready for one until you can say from the deepest part of yourself, 'I will never again give up my power to another person.' Only then will you be a woman who's ready for the strongest kind of connection."

I hadn't really thought much about this until I stumbled upon this quote in Oprah's book, Words That Matter, because I have always thought I was an independent woman who didn't give up things for others. I then reflected back upon various relationships I have been in, which were mostly unhealthy. R was the longest relationship at 2.5 years and when we got to a point where we talked about marriage, I freaked out and didn't feel that type of committment was what I wanted at 22-23 years old. I was in a controlling relationship, although I felt that it was ok: only until I ended that relationship with R did I realize that I was allowing myself to be manipulated into thinking that my decisions were really my own. Dating M put another spin on my life because he was the complete opposite. I found out more about myself in those 8 months than the previous 2.5 years with R. Up until now I've had some rocky relationships, a restraining order/court case, and even dated a semi-normal guy, N, for 9 months.

I've only had one date in a year, by my choice. I was asked recently by a co-worker if I was seeing anyone and when I said no, her reply was "Why aren't you? You've got everything going for you?" and I thought, 'How dare she say that? I don't need to share my life with someone just because others think it's the right thing to do.' Sure, life can be lonely without having someone to share it with, but that doesn't mean I haven't tried. I just haven't found the guy who allows me to be who I am, relishes in the fact that I'm not going to give in or give up, and who loves me with all of who they are.

So here I am, ready to shout this from the proverbial rooftop that "I will never again give up my power to another person!"