Reflective

I feel very reflective tonight, and I'm not sure why - I just know that ending the month of November brings us to December, and yet another year has passed.

Maybe that's why - I'll be another year older in January. Another year closer to 30. Gack.

I've been questioning a lot lately in regard to my happiness. I really don't have much wrong in my life (aside from the fact that I suck at money managing, but I work on it and I am slowly getting better). I have a wonderful set of supportive WE friends - I have a great family, with a mom who sends care boxes each month and grandparents who send written notes (LOVE that they don't use email) - and I have a job I adore on most days.

I just feel like something is missing.

I've been doing what people say in regard to "waiting for Mr. Right" and not actively looking for someone. It's not easy to just sit back and hope someone will find me - in fact, it's just plain odd. I don't and won't go out alone - the friends I do go out with are not straight or are married - and I'm not going to pay for a dating site because of my lack of money managing. I get talked to at the avacado's in the supermarket about how to pick the right avocado - I got whistled at in the parking lot going to my car yesterday - and a group of cute guys say hello this morning at my favorite coffee shop. What did I do? Ignored them completely because I thought they were psychotic wierdos... although I did talk to the avocado guy for a minute because I was in a very public and busy place and didn't want to seem super duper rude.

Where and when am I supposed to figure things out? I start tutoring this week for a couple hours after school, and I got the job teaching entry level classes at a local college. I have a dog who sits at my feet or snores while he's sleeping in the crook of my arm and follows me everywhere. I have an upcoming trip to Paris and London to look forward to. I have a year ending and a new beginning, but it seems that just last year I was saying a lot of this same crap to myself. I'm not asking for a rush of life events - I'm asking for an answer to when I'll finally feel satisfied in knowing my life is full and not missing something...

Until then - back to writing my novel for NaNoWriMo, in hopes I'll be to 5,000 words by month's end (although nowhere near their 50,000 goal).

failure

Epic fail.

It's the halfway mark of November, and I should be nearing 24,000 words. I have 1381. Blah.

I can't seem to get going on this writing - and I hate having a deadline. I really thought I could discipline myself into writing each day - shoot, I gave up the 30 days of me after a few.

What's wrong with me?

On a lighter note, I have 40-ish days left until I go to Paris. Cannot wait. I may even start a Paris-countdown in my classroom...

Still throwing out story ideas... any help welcome if you're willing to comment or send me an email.

Feeling Down...

In the words of Dori from Finding Nemo, I should just "keep on swimmin'" but it's so unbelievably hard to do right now. I am sinking fast and feel like all the planning and all of the things I was doing early to prepare for the NaNoWriMo would allow me the time to write. Yeah, right. It seemed to only make things worse.

The 124 changed to three hundred and something, but in this day of all of the wonders of technology, it neglected to save... even though I know I clicked the save button. Twice.

I'm very discouraged. I shouldn't be because I have so much to look forward to. Only, all I see is negative. I don't have much support in the people who supposedly show leadership at my job. I have to contact a rather large group of parents of students who need to recover work (because in the lovely state of FL, being lazy is ok because you can always redo the work until you pass, no matter how many times you do it or choose not do it).  I'm also very tired of the lying and passive aggressiveness of employees. Since when did we lose our professionalism and resort to the crap our students give us? I'm so over that and just might go off the handle on someone if it happens again.

I need to put on a happy face or get the heck outta dodge. Maybe Dorothy and I can fly over the rainbow together...

124

OH boy, this novel in a month thing is going to go REAL slow if all I have at the end of today is 124 words!

I need help!

I've got a few ideas in my head, so tell me what you think - anonymous comments welcome, but won't be posted unless they are constructive criticism.

• Voice - Somehow two or three characters will be woven together through the common theme of "voice." Could be a voice in the head, voice of other characters speaking to one, etc.
• Friends - A tale of two friends...Not sure where to go with that.
• YA - thought about a young adult book/fantasy. Nothing with medieval or dragons...

I'm not so sure about any of these. I went to the bookstore earlier and spent over an hour browsing the writing section for help. I don't know if there's real help out there for someone with NO clue about writing a book! Unless I'm being too hard on myself, which is entirely possible (and most likely probable).

Good Thing for Today: Got a lot done for work while students were testing. LOVE days where there's a lot of productivity before 3pm!