Bonjour, Paris!

So I did it!

I booked the trip to Paris, by way of London. Just so happens I'll also travel through Chicago and Montreal to get there, but that's ok! Cheaper airfare is what matters.

I cannot wait and have already started reading the tour guides I bought over a month ago for this very day, without knowing what day it would be!  Now I have to purchase a small London guidebook because I'll have a day or so there on my own before and at the end of the tour group. Excited just doesn't express how happy I am.

I told my parents about it before posting it for the world of facebook. I was more nervous about my dad because I value his opinion more than I like to admit sometimes. My mom is usually supportive anyway and thought it'd be fun for me. She was even going to talk to my dad when she got home today, but didn't have to. Well, just talking to my dad via instant messenger minutes ago, I asked him about the trip and how I'd miss Christmas at home again (missed it last year for a surgery) and his response was:

You must take these chances when they happen...or you will always miss out...You will have a blast...We are proud of you...You work hard...Enjoy life some.

And the entire time I was worried for nothing.

Day 7 of All Good Things: Having supportive friends and family, all equally happy and excited for this journey...Wishing I could squeeze all of them in a great big hug.

Subtle and Not-So Subtle

Changes, that is.


I had a few moments today of subtle change, and huge change. One, I consolidated my student loans and the paperwork will be mailed tomorrow. Huge deal, considering the fact that as a teacher, I can enroll in the IBR program and only pay for 10 years. After that, the debt is cleared. Yes, the debt is cleared. With the amount I have in loans from undergraduate and graduate loans, I'll save 66%. Huge smile on my face...just have to stay in teaching for those said ten years, but I think I can manage.


The second subtle change was my mad baking skills tonight. Instead of gorging on food during my favorite Monday reality TV, I baked some banana bread. From scratch! I used the plaid cookbook from a college boss and I cannot wait to eat some for breakfast in the morning. The most amazing part (aside from the fact that it wasn't burnt) was that I had ALL of the ingredients in my kitchen! That almost never happens! Second smile on my face.


The third, not-so-subtle change is that one of my dreams from a previous post will be coming true. I don't want to jinx it by posting it today, so I'll wait until tomorrow, after I make an important phone call during lunch. If it goes the way I expect, the announcement tomorrow will make me cry, jump up and down for excitement, and drive me to lose a little weight...more details tomorrow...so keep the fingers crossed!  


Day 6 of All Good Things: I talked to my mom again today and when I told her of the dollar amount I'd save (assuming my dollar figures are correct), she cried because she was so happy for me, knowing I won't owe my life away in education debt. I don't like hearing my mom cry, but I do find joy in knowing she's proud of me, without her having to say anything.

I Feel...

like I try too hard to maintain relationships with people, whether they are close friends, friends I see at huge events, or those who I try to say hi to so we don't lose touch. What's up with that? Am I toxic? I understand people lead busy lives - heck, 10 months out of the year I'm super-teacher-crazy-woman trying to get everything together, so I get it. But do I have to be the one to initiate every conversation? Maybe I don't always do that, but it sure feels like it.

I also feel like I let myself down more than I should, without really trying to. For instance, someone earlier at dinner said that the year 2010 has been a pretty shitty year for them so far and I made a comment that bits and pieces of the past 10 years have been shitty for me... WHAT? Why would I say that? Sure, there are moments, but why would I say that out loud unless it were true? What is it that's so bad about my life that I would make that comment?

It's a work in progress, this life...

Day 5 of All Good Things: Enjoying a dinner out with friends, laughing about stupid teacher jokes and situations... never a dull moment.

Staph Pyoderma

Poor Dogface.


I had to take Charley to the animal ER last night because the bumps on his belly were progressively getting worse. Turns out he has staph pyoderma, a secondary infection caused by something else. Could be that he's allergic to dust, pollen, fertilizer on the grass, fabric softener, etc. The list goes on. To find out the exact cause, I'd have to pay for a lot of tests...don't know if I can afford that. For now, he'll have to have antibiotics for 6-8 weeks, benadryl every day, a topical spray 3x a day, and a special bath/shampoo 3x a week just on his belly.


Talk about high maintenance on a small dog!


Day 4 of All Good Things: I am happy knowing that Charley-dog is going to be ok and that I can afford to take care of the problems he has with his skin. Charley is special and I wouldn't feel as good about life if he weren't in it.

Freelance Writing

I've pondered doing this for a while, but haven't made it downtown for the monthly freelance writer's meeting... I'm very self-critical when it comes to items I've written (except for papers written for school). When writing gets personal, I shut down when I receive criticism, whether it's constructive or not. I've thrown ideas around on writing a novel, but I think I may have to change that a little and start with short stories, or articles, etc. Something to get my foot in the door seems like the best avenue to pursue at the moment - but it sure would be awesome to walk into a well-known bookstore and see my book on the shelf!

Day 3 of All Good Things: Woke up to a nice morning text from a wonderful girlfriend, telling me to Have a bright and shiny day! :-) It was a bright and shiny day outside - I spent the day lounging and reading...

Risks

"What you risk reveals what you value."
- Jeanette Winterson, novelist

I may be repeating myself in this post a little - I've been reflecting a lot on past experiences and situations where I've had to make huge decisions. Moving to Florida was pretty outrageous, not only because I was moving 1300 miles away from home, but because it was a jumping off point into my career. At the time I moved, I valued proving how independent I could be. I was also going against what others thought of me and wanted to prove all of those people wrong. I do admit that taking that leap was a scary thought. I told myself for weeks leading up to the drive South that I should void my contract and stay in Michigan. I had the other viewpoint that if I didn't go now, I wouldn't go at all. There was a fear of the unknown in both situations. I stay in Michigan, who knew what it would hold. Would I find Mr. Right, get married, find a fabulous job and be happy? Would I stay in Michigan and live with my parents forever because I was working at a restaurant and substitute teaching? Or would I move to a LARGE city on my own and enjoy the job based solely on the 4-hour interview and tour of the school? I challenged the norm and the idea that a young girl couldn't or shouldn't move so far away and expect to be successful. I've been told numerous times that my situation is unique and outrageous - some people don't believe I was recruited and had the luck I did in obtaining my job, but it's true. Do I regret the choice I made in moving to Florida? No. But I do regret having the thought go through my mind that I was doing it to prove others that I could instead of proving to myself that I am capable of doing what's important to me.

I've pondered some risks that I'd love to put on "To Do" list, but I'm the type of person that if an item is on a list for too long, the list will be thrown out after some time and will be forgotten...

Some future risks I've considered and haven't necessarily put on the back burner:
1. adopting a child
2. freelance writing and/or editing
3. picking up and moving again
4. changing careers (not entirely...Education will still be a factor)
5. skydiving
6. touring Europe on my own

I'm sure there's more that I'll add as the times come. Until then...
Day 2 of All Good Things: I spent time listening to my mom express how happy she is about her new car. She is usually happy anyway, but today she was even happier. I could hear the smiles in her voice.

"I don't have to be...

perfect. All I have to do is show up and enjoy the messy, imperfect, and beautiful journey of my life. It's a trip more wonderful than I could have imagined."
- Kerry Washington, actress

This brought me back to a time when I was growing up I dreaded each day, but now see the value because I'm an adult. (Mom and Dad, I hope you aren't reading).

Each evening, my two brothers and I were asked to come home from school or work with one good thing from our day to share with everyone else while eating dinner. Some days I would fib and make something up, and other days I'd come home with a few items to share. This always made for an interesting evening because we were not always allowed to be done with dinner until we shared.  On rare evenings we were momentarily skipped   so we had time to think about our day and have something to share.

As I sat down earlier this evening to eat alone, I thought it'd be a good thing to write down one good thing that's happened to me each day in a moleskine journal. (Which reminds me that I haven't posted my vision board/journal...but I am working on it!) For today's post; however, I'll share this one:

Day 1 of All Good Things: I received a smile, a morning greeting, and the door held open for me after purchasing my favorite latte on my way to work. This made my entire day happy because it started the day with a warm feeling and continued until I made it home to enjoy some quality time with Charley-dog at my feet.

I Know What I Want...

...and I'm not afraid to express it.

For the latter half of the morning, I spent time texting back and forth with someone who wouldn't take the hint that I didn't want to speak to them, have contact with them, or even see them. I had a feeling in my gut that it wasn't going to be good to continue speaking and I didn't apologize to this person for it at all. My gut feeling is what I'm going to go with.

...and I'm not afraid to go for it.

This portion presents a challenge because of the job market, but that doesn't mean I'm not trying and putting myself out there. I just have to put myself in a place of thinking like the employer and why he/she would hire someone with NO experience. Challenging.

...and I'm not going to apologize for being picky. Settling is not allowed.

Brand New Day

Ok, I'm going to admit I'm a reality tv junkie on occasion, especially when the Bachelor or Bachelorette is on...so Monday nights are off limits for contact when the show is in season. :-)

Last week there was an artist, Joshua Radin, playing a song - well, I went to Borders for a book and looked for his CD without knowing the name of the song (insert wish for an iphone here) and bought the CD anyway. Bad but good...CD I did buy was good, but the song I wanted wasn't there. So, second step, I downloaded itunes for my newer computer and then tried to sync my ipod (without much luck). Had to erase the ipod and then sync. Thank goodness I bought the Joshua Radin song I wanted on the newer computer!

Anywho - this song hit a chord (literally) with me last week and I can't stop listening to it.

Some kind of magic

Happens late at night

When the moon smiles down on me

and bathes me in it's light

I fell asleep beneath you

In the tall blades of grass

When I woke the world was new

I never had to ask

It's a brand new day

The sun is shining

It's a brand new day

For the first time

In such a long time

I know

I'll be ok

Most kind of stories

Save the best part for last

Most stories have a hero who finds

You make your past your past

Yeah you make your past your past

It's a brand new day

The sun is shining

It's a brand new day

For the first time in such a long long time

I know, I'll be ok

This cycle never ends

You gotta fall in order to mend

It's a brand new day

It's a brand new day

For the first time in such a long long time
I know, I'll be ok.

Cancer

I could go on a self-soothing rant of cursing, go punch a wall, scream out loud, or cry some more, but that wouldn't make cancer go away or bring back those who have passed.

Cancer is a disease that takes life from your body by destroying your insides, but it doesn't ruin your spirit. The fabulous man who passed this morning, on father's day, was not only a good man to his family, he was a good man to all. There isn't a bad thing I could say about this man - he raised a great son who has the same family values and love his dad taught him to express and have for those important in his life. He supported a wonderful wife, not only with the material things, but with the love, compassion, and tenderness of a true love and marriage. He was a great uncle to his nieces and nephews, as well as a father figure to me during a time of unknowns.

When I found out melanoma was stealing this man from our physical world, I dug out a box of letters that were important to me. In there was a letter from this man who I knew cared for me as if I was his daughter. Although his son and I don't speak anymore, I wouldn't ever wish ill will on anyone, nor would I suppress feelings of concern, sadness, or grief for R and his family. The following letter was written to me at a time I was making decisions to become a confirmed Catholic; a time of great uncertainty for me and a turning point in my life.  This letter holds true to this day...

It's said in life that for every action there is a reaction. This only begins to state how positively you have affected our family. You have brought so much generosity, love, and understanding into our lives. I have learned not to take these things for granted and realize how rare you are. It has really been fun getting to know you. By now I'm sure it's clear to you how much R means to us and for you to be his girlfriend, and more, we feel very fortunate.

I'm very pleased and proud that you have taken this step in your religious life to build a stronger relationship with Jesus Christ. As you know you and I are not too different as we both made our confirmation late in our lives. I'm glad it didn't take you as long as it did me. Through God all things are possible. Whenever you are confused, angry, lonely, or lost, turn to God and he will guide you. It took me some time to fully realize this, but we begin to see that as coincidences become miracles we begin to build faith.

I know you are going through a period of uncertainty in  your life and career right now but just remember to do the best you can and the rest will always work out. You can't control other people, places, and things so concentrate on  yourself. When you keep God close to you he will make your road in life easier to travel.

God Bless You.
Mr. D

Dear God,
You have a great man living with you now - a man of great talent, love, support, and everlasting spirit. Please love him, care for him, and support his family at this difficult time. May peace be with you, Mr. D, and with your friends and family. Amen.

Father's Day

My dad and I used to be the daddy daughter duo when I was growing up because I was the only girl (aside from my mom). We would attend the Valentine's day dances, make silly faces at each other, ride roller coasters and scream real loud, and crack jokes whenever possible. My dad's taught me many things - even though I didn't always listen. I got so upset when I was in college that I wasn't allowed to bring a car and had to learn how to ride the city bus. I learned a lesson from that experience - the bus isn't always a bad thing to know, especially when cars would get snowed into parking lots. I also learned that buying a car isn't always easy and something you should jump into without test driving multiple types of cars first. I learned how to drive a 5-speed car so I could always get home if I was ever in the situation. I learned how to respectfully disagree and not just to get my way but to make my point, opinion, answer known. I also learned that family dinners are an important part to growing up: you just have to make sure you come to the table with "something good that happened to you today" to share with everyone else.

Above all of the normal daddy/daughter stuff I've had in my life, I'll never forget the day that my dad cried as I drove away from the house, moving my life and belongings 1300 miles away. I gave him a big hug, got in my truck, and was off on a journey to "start" my life. I really thought that I wouldn't miss family as much because I knew in the back of my mind that I could always call, visit and never really be all that far away. My dad and mom instilled a set of family values in me that makes me want to stay connected to those who mean a lot to me and who I call family. I don't talk to my dad on the phone as much as I'd like because he isn't really a talker, but I do have conversations with him on facebook and get to stay caught up on home life through emails and pictures.

I don't really know if my dad realizes just how much he means to me and how much I look up to him for all that he has accomplished in his life. He's still young, has a lot going for him, and has many dreams to fulfill. I look forward to the day I see his dreams come true because he is so very deserving...and when I can give him a huge hug, in person.

Happy Father's Day, Dad.

Another Oprah Quote...

Yes, another quote from Oprah:

"Married or single, if you're looking for a sense of completion, I encourage you to look inward...The irony of relationships is that you're usually not ready for one until you can say from the deepest part of yourself, 'I will never again give up my power to another person.' Only then will you be a woman who's ready for the strongest kind of connection."

I hadn't really thought much about this until I stumbled upon this quote in Oprah's book, Words That Matter, because I have always thought I was an independent woman who didn't give up things for others. I then reflected back upon various relationships I have been in, which were mostly unhealthy. R was the longest relationship at 2.5 years and when we got to a point where we talked about marriage, I freaked out and didn't feel that type of committment was what I wanted at 22-23 years old. I was in a controlling relationship, although I felt that it was ok: only until I ended that relationship with R did I realize that I was allowing myself to be manipulated into thinking that my decisions were really my own. Dating M put another spin on my life because he was the complete opposite. I found out more about myself in those 8 months than the previous 2.5 years with R. Up until now I've had some rocky relationships, a restraining order/court case, and even dated a semi-normal guy, N, for 9 months.

I've only had one date in a year, by my choice. I was asked recently by a co-worker if I was seeing anyone and when I said no, her reply was "Why aren't you? You've got everything going for you?" and I thought, 'How dare she say that? I don't need to share my life with someone just because others think it's the right thing to do.' Sure, life can be lonely without having someone to share it with, but that doesn't mean I haven't tried. I just haven't found the guy who allows me to be who I am, relishes in the fact that I'm not going to give in or give up, and who loves me with all of who they are.

So here I am, ready to shout this from the proverbial rooftop that "I will never again give up my power to another person!"

Motivational Mix

In an earlier post I mentioned how important a specific friend has been since elementary school - but she isn't the only friend who means a lot to me. In college, I was sent on a mission by my then-boyfriend to go out for an evening with some girls I didn't know. It was R's way of having me make friends since he was such a social butterfly and knew more people than I ever thought imaginable. That first night out with 5 girls was such an interesting experience because I was not only thrown into an evening I thought wouldn't be fun, but I learned so much from the women I spent time with. It took a while to make friendships with them, but it wasn't hard to connect on various levels based on interests, boyfriends, college events, and later life-changing events with marriages and babies.

I received a motivational mix in the mail today from a dear friend, D, who made it with the intent that when I listen to it I listen for a jolt, hint, or push toward what it is that I may be holding out on. I haven't listened to the entire CD yet because I'm sure it'll make me even more emotional than I was in NC when she talked about making it for me.

It's funny that when I was younger I always thought that to have great friends you had to live down the street from them, eat dinner at their house on occasion, make shopping trips at a spur-of-the-moment for the right shoes, go out for coffee, etc. But having a good friend really means making the time to talk and to listen when the other needs it - making the time to fly across the country for a weekend - and just making the other feel good with a nice message, email, picture, and even a CD.

I plan on listening to the rest of the CD tomorrow when I'm putting together my vision board/book. I haven't forgotten about it - I have just been putting a lot of time into thinking about the sections of my life that need visuals....
Thanks, D, for the CD. It really means a lot.

Photography 101

I've managed to take a few pictures with my new camera. For those of you who are camera-junkies, it's a Nikon D-3000. I have the lens it came with and a second lens purchased in a bundle. I haven't played much with the second lens, but here are some pictures taken with the first lens:

The first is a picture of a drying rose on my dining room table. I didn't do anything special - just took the picture by focusing it myself without special settings. The second and third pictures are of my dog, Charley. He's "special" as many say - just look at his eyes.

Any photography suggestions? Places to visit? Settings to try?

I've read a few photography magazines while standing in the bookstores, but they all seem so technical and for me being camera challenged, I need lamens terms to understand and use the equipment. Maybe a trip to the local zoo is in order...

Dreaming Big, Becoming Brave

I recently purchased the book, Words That Matter, which is a compilation of quotes from the Oprah Magazine. Some of you may be thinking that I'm an Oprah junkie from previous posts, but anytime I see a good book of quotes, I snap it up. This book is no exception.

As I go through this life journey, I need little quotes or pick-me-ups to help guide me or to help me identify the path that's right for me. Even in knowing that what I'm doing is what I should be doing.

George Bernard Shaw, a playwright, writes, "Imagination is the beginning of creation. You imagine what you desire, you will what you imagine, and at last you create what you will."

I'm not sure if this means I should immediately pursue a new job (I've been looking into editor jobs out of state); if I should look more into going to Paris, France for the new year (with a tour group); or if I should continue drafting and writing a book. I imagine I'll do all of these things eventually. The photography is a slow work in progress, mentioned from my first post... Is it better to stick to one thing at a time or to delve into more than one in hopes they'll all be accomplished at some point in the near future?

Friends

I have been blessed to have such wonderful friends - and becoming friends with others isn't always a naturally easy thing. A few close friends are better (to me) than having a lot of acquaintances. I've met a lot of people I'd consider acquaintances along the way, but the point of this post isn't to focus on all of the people, just one who has been a wonderful addition to my life and deserves some recognition.

I've known R since the first day of 5th grade when I knew no one.  My first day at a new school was tough. I can still remember standing at the top of the stairs in my rolled pants and pink socks waiting to see who my teacher would be and scoping out my classmates. I was nervous about meeting everyone but also nervous about being teased (my last school wasn't all that friendly). My parents were very good to my brothers and I when choosing to move so we didn't have to leave in the middle of a school year. I see the blessing in disguise now, but lying in the driveway so they wouldn't drive away didn't work!

R has been an amazing friend from 5th grade to now. We talk almost every day on just about anything - texts about shoes at work seem to pop up more lately, but anything from serious to funny to just sitting on the couch listening to each other work means a lot to me sometimes. (Glad that we both have the same phone company = free minutes!) R's sending packages at random times with goodies inside; cards because she's heard I had a rough day at work; plenty of calls when I underwent surgery in November; hugs when pets have been lost; etc. aren't what I look for to "get" from her - I treasure the conversations and support I know will be there at the push of a button.

We've had pears thrown at us before a school dance; played in the middle/high school bands; visited each other at our respective colleges; had numerous sleepovers and pool parties; cried together over breakups; driven to the mall for that perfect outfit or Coach purse; and have even been to Vegas to celebrate being independent ladies and friends.

I don't remember exactly what R said to me on that first day of 5th grade, but I do remember her introducing herself to me because she thought it was cool that her name and my name could both be boy names. Funny how that 5th grade mentality has made us the best of friends.

Doubtful

I've never been a casual dater and last night proved to me that I'm not sure dating is a good thing for me right now... Not having much in common with someone is tough, although the conversation was great. Learning about someone and what they want out of their future changes how you view another person, especially when out on a date with them. I'd like to think my future involves a man who is my best friend and who enjoys things together. I don't see myself wanting to see someone who travels for weeks on end for their job, smokes like a chimney, and one who flat out says they want to have a life free of committments (i.e, relationship, animals, girlfriends,etc).

Is it wrong that I don't feel enthusiastic about getting to know someone new? Or that I don't want to date them again because of their smoking habit? Here I go second-guessing a fun evening only because he isn't what I have planned in my head. Where is the Prince Charming fit for my life? A guy that doesn't smoke, holds the door open, has a great smile, and appreciates me for who I am and not what they expect me to be. I don't regret going out last night with a guy I walked up to - it led me to realize I'm not ready for sharing my life with someone right now...Now I just have to let the guy know...but does this mean I do it through a text message? Call and leave a message? Let it go, don't say anything and hope he gets the hint? Not having a date in almost a year makes me wonder why I bother - it's so much easier to do what I want and when I want than to be with someone...at least that's how I feel right now...

Crazy Confidence

Ok, So I'm one who has streaks of confidence and slumps of sorrow. I think it's natural to go through spurts. Well, today I wanted to focus on a text message I received after walking up to a cute guy at a brewery last week:

"You got a great start! You come off as confident, intelligent, beautiful strong & sexy. I'm stoked to meet the woman you are. You defined yourself when we met."

First impressions help, right? Well, the confidence I felt last week has somewhat faltered a little and I've been second-guessing the texts leading up to tonight's first date. It's not so much the experience of dinner and conversation because I don't have many problems with that - it's living up to the expectation of what happened last week with my being confident enough to approach a guy and then speak to him and his four friends. (Crazy!)

I'm going a little stir crazy and have been overthinking everything - including the boutique purchase I made yesterday so I had a new shirt to look good in to keep that first impression/expectation going.

Sheesh - dating is tough!

Advice from a Writer

1. Read everything. Read what interests and moves you. Read what challenges you. Read for pleasure. Read for craft. Read instead of watching reality TV. Just read. It just might change your life.

2. Live your life. Writing's all about that, anyway. And no one's living your life, seeing things the way you seem them, but you. You are unique, and this is a beautiful, beautiful thing, grasshopper.

3. You can write about anything you want, just don't lie.

4. Have fun, for heaven's sake! It's not brain surgery. You won't kill anyone if you choose the wrong words. You can just fix'em later. Writing is power. You are in control of it. You are able to say whatever you need to say, long to say, must say. And that is an amazing feeling.

--Libba Bray

Thank you for the advice Libba, I will do just that.

Fur-babies

Our pets are a great addition to our lives. My dad always told me that if you grow up and have a dog of your own, you have to treat them better than you treat yourself (in some respects) and buy them toys, take them on walks, feed them the best food and spoil them with treats. I wasn't really in the market for a dog when I signed into the humane society website and saw a litter of puppies available for adoption the next day. When I got home from work I kept signing in to look at all of them and kept signing in to look and see if one of those dogs was a fit for me. I got to work the next day and at lunch I asked my boss if I could leave early to go adopt a dog. With her being such a dog-lover, she allowed it and off I went. Little did I know that when I got there, one boy dog was left (I really wanted a girl). I was next on the list for the puppy room and when I went in and saw Ricky in the cage, I held him and didn't want to let go, but did contemplate whether a boy dog was what I wanted or not. When the humane society employee came in and asked if I wanted him or he'd have to be given to the couple behind me on the list, I told the guy "This dog's going home with me" and Ricky was mine.

I am an avid reader and one of my favorite John Steinbeck novels is Travels with Charley, about traveling the country with a poodle named Charley. It's about the relationships made with the people, nature, and the dog. I changed Ricky's name to Charley (after much debate over naming him something different like Woodward or Detroit) and I'm glad for that decision. Charley-dog, or dogface, as I sometimes refer to him, is a companion and cuddler (who is currently sleeping at my feet). I talk to him, loving that he can't talk back and look forward to coming home and having a happy dog to walk and give belly rubs to.

When I pulled into my complex parking lot tonight, I met my neighbor, Nancy, near the lake. She was staring out at the water and I heard her say my name, so I went to say hello. Little did I know that she'd tell me all about her Huey passing away. Huey was a 12-year-old black cairn terrier who loved people, loved other dogs, and who had the cutest and hairiest black and gray face. Nancy didn't really want to talk about Huey's passing away from cancer, but when she talked about him her face lit up and she started to cry - which caused me to cry and think about my past pets and how much those doggie relationships really mean. Even more of a relationship when they are your own dog and not one you share with other people. I stood there listening and crying and she thanked me for my sympathy for her losing Huey.

Little Huey was cremated and a portion of his ashes were scattered on the lake behind our apartment buildings. Now I understand more about Nancy, her love for Huey, the lake, and how meaningful a relationship is between a person and a dog.

Rest in doggie heaven, Huey. You are missed.

Leaping in the Dark

"Living is a form of not being sure, not knowing what next or how...We guess. We may be wrong, but we take leap after leap in the dark."
- Agnes de Mille, dancer

I question this quote quite often but then think about the day I flew to Florida for a job interview, had a few interviews, walked into a man (literally) who put me into interviews and I signed a contract a few hours later. 6 weeks later I was moving to Florida and have been here 4 years. I took a leap that day and I don't know that I've really done that large of a leap ever since. It's hard to do things for fear of the unknown. I've read numerous books and magazines about trusting your gut and truly believe that our guts give us an idea of what could happen, but we really don't know everything that will happen. This change in my thinking and analyzing what is going on in my life has made me want to take leaps because I don't have a lot of what holds people back (i.e, a husband, kids, etc.) While there are great advantages to those things, I'm at an impass where I am still able to choose my path 100%. This is just as scary as having to speak to others to see how they feel or ask what they think about an activity or life decision. It's a scary and wonderful world out there - I just know I'll be able to see more of it sooner than later...

Live Your Best Life

My quote for today:

"I don't want to get to the end of my life
and find that I lived just the length of it.
I want to have lived the width of it as well."
- Diane Ackerman

Trusting Life

"Learning to trust life...is like learning to swim. First you flail, convinced you're going to drown. Then you notice that if you calm down, it's possible to tread water. Finally, as your movements slow, you realize something much more profound. When you let go completely and just relax, you find that you are magically held up by the water...It was ready to support you all the time."

Interesting comparison made in this quote, as I don't like swimming - in fact, I'm almost to the point of terrified of large bodies of water. I've been on a path lately of feeling like I'm drowning amongst a sea of financial debt (graduate school loans, mostly) and work-related paperwork. My job makes me feel as though I'm not going anywhere - that all of the work I do and all of the effort I put into my job aren't being recognized. On my way to work this morning I thought about this and have to change how I look at this situation. My graduate loans will be exempt in 10 years, as long as I make the minimum payments (with a savings of almost 50%) and I need to have satisfaction in knowing I put 110% into my job, whether it is recognized or not. I'm not asking for a teacher-of-the-year recognition - just a small pat on the back with a "Good job!" or an email from a needy parent saying "Thanks for all you've done for my kid."

Relaxing hasn't ever really been a word I use on a daily basis. When I think about relaxing, I tend to overthink about all of the things I need to be finishing, starting, doing, etc. and don't end up enjoying myself. Last weekend in NC, I really tried to take advantage of being away from everything - I didn't take any work with me; I didn't check my phone often; I only signed into fb once; and I just allowed myself to eat great food, converse with great girlfriends, take a morning walk, and sit on a great front porch amongst some beautiful flowers. (Some wine and martini's also helped!)

My goal for the first 3 weeks of summer vacation is to relax more, so if that involves my sitting outside by the pool, taking dogface to the dog park, or sitting/sipping a coffee til it gets cold, that's what I'll do.

Let Your Life Take Flight

Eckhart Tolle wrote:

"Life is an adventure, not a package tour."

Taking steps toward what we desire to do with and in our lives is a challenge, especially when seeing the obstacles prevents us from obtaining what we desire. Life is scary when we don't know what will happen, which is precisely why I want to tackle one of my life goals and fly to Europe. by myself.

I've been putting this off for quite some time because of the cost, yet read recently that people are happiest when they do something with their time instead of buying material goods. I had a plane ticket to Paris once. No passport though. When my truck broke down and it was either the plane ticket or transportation to and from work, I had to sell the ticket back and fix my vehicle. I have always seen that moment as a disappointing one - seeing that my dreams were so easily gone because I had to make a choice between what I thought was real (my truck) and what I saw as fantasy (Paris).

Now is the time to make the decision: which country or countries do I want to visit? Alone?

Vision Board

"The purpose of the vision board is to focus your attention - briefly. After that, the less mental strain you feel, the sooner good things will happen." - Martha Beck

I've heard of vision boards through various blogs I read about and each time I read about them, I want to make one for myself. So what am I waiting for?!

Well, I'm a perfectionist by nature so I naturally want this vision board to be perfect - yet I realize life isn't perfect, so I quickly (albeit hesitating the whole way) pushed that thought aside. According to an article by Martha Beck, here are the steps to creating a vision board.

1. Please your animal. Just page through a magazine (and walk through the world) noticing things that trigger physical reactions: a heart thump, a double take, a gasp...these "thoughts" register in your stomach, your heart, your lungs - anywhere but your head. You can't produce them in response to cultural cliches or abstract ideas...Wondering, then finding out, is one of the most delicious things about assembling a vision board.

2. Let go mentally and emotionally. To do it you must relax completely and let your mind go blank. You don't concentrate on the result you want...In fact, you concentrate on not concentrating...Stop thinking about it. Lost it. Recycle it.

3. Be still and still moving. Making a vision board is not a substitute for elbow grease. Magical cocreator or not, you still have to do stuff.

I was going to use an old frame I once had my diploma in, but decided to use a cute journal I bought in NC. It's got tabbed dividers and is easily transported, so I'll be able to "be still and still move" while I work on this vision. I just have to remember that "The key phrase with this exercise is: 'Then I forgot all about it.'"

I found a great little card through Blue Mountain Arts, Inc. at Books-a-Million. (I love when students give teachers gift cards!)

Although it doesn't entirely fit the purpose of a vision board, it fits me and what a portion of what I should tell myself every day. It's called "Little Pep Talk" and goes like this:

"Repeat after me:

I am strong.

I am special.

I can do anything.

Sometimes life throws

hurdles in our path,

but we just have to keep on going

full speed ahead,

looking inside ourselves

for the courage to leap over them

and never look back.

Always believe in yourself

as much as others believe in you."

*Look for a post soon of my vision...

"Say Yes to Life!"

Oprah magazines are bought with the intention of reading them, but usually end up in my recycle bin because of my semi-hectic work schedule (or my love for books over magazines). At the checkout yesterday, I saw the newest O magazine and it had "Say Yes to Life!" written on the cover. Interesting how only a few days before my WE friends were pushing me to do just that.

Jane Lynch was featured in the Aha! Moment and wrote:

"I realized that if I'm obsessing about my own feelings, I'm not present with the people around me - and am frankly of no use to them. Today, if that instinct to take the blame gets triggered, a mechanism inside me kicks in and asks, Is this really about you? "

This made me reflect back some more on my WEekend. I spent a lot of the time obsessing about how I was feeling instead of being completely present with those around me. I was a walking pity party, dwelling on the things I don't have, making myself unhappy - instead of thinking about all of the wonderful things I do have. I can't speak for the married friends, expectant mothers, husbands or boyfriends, but I have always had this thought that those who are in relationships sometimes want what single people have (or at least to experience some of it). I was told that I have the freedom to do what I want and when I want; something not usually thought of when in a committed relationship. I was also told that I am envied for picking up and moving so far away by myself at a time when the economy turned sour and I'm lucky to have such a great job. I was told I'm a strong person, although unsure of herself, who just needs a nudge in a direction of her choosing.

I sat at my dining table, flipping through the pages, looking at my glass of wine and sushi plate from last night, tearing up at Oprah's last words: "Stepping out and doing what you've always wanted to do...is saying yes to life. And that's something I'm sure we could all use a little more of."


Cheers.

What LIFE means to me...

Living.

Life means taking full advantage of what is offered - and what is not. I'll admit and take full responsibility for the lack of fullness. I don't put much effort into making my life full and lively. I am a creature of habit who complains at the thought of going through life with the same weekly events, yet I don't change it. I've made decisions that have changed my life from the Michigan-to-Florida lifestyle, taking a fabulous teaching position. I just have a large void of self-motivation fairy dust to make what I want in life a reality.

[Insert WE here].
WE women are spectacular. WE all come from similar backgrounds yet bring so much difference to a supportive and strong group of women. Through the past 7 years, these WE women have pushed me, supported me, hugged & listened, told me what I didn't want to hear at a time I needed it most, and have respected me for who I am the entire time without judgment. The WE women are even there when you have a whole-body-ugly-cry-meltdown of self pity.

Hence the start of this blog.

I hope to track a journey (or two) to Europe;
learn a new language;
write a book;
learn to take photos with a real camera;
become the best teacher possible;
satisfy my craving for a happy and loving existence, without regret;
have a reason to be happy every day.

I'm sure there will be more added to this life's journey - but until then, I'm going to keep these lyrics from Yeasayer looping through my head:

...Now the world can be an unfair place at times
But your lows will have their compliment of highs
And if anyone should cheat you
Take advantage of or beat you raise your head
And wear your wounds with pride

You must stick up for yourself son
Never mind what anybody else done
Stick up for yourself son...